BBDW 17 [Black Butterfly] - Nevereverland
Section 17 & 18.1 (UNEDITED)
-…… Then why didn’t I know……. why didn’t I know?
When Mrs Sarkozy finally came to her senses when he visited the hospital, she slowly spoke to Jude, facing the ceiling.
-The look he showed me when I told my story to that eloquent young man……. not pity or fear, just like a kid who saw an interesting book cover in a bookstore…… yes, why didn’t I know? …
That’s all she said, and the lady kept her mouth shut and said nothing. Her eyebrows trembled feebly.
Mrs Sarkozy, who was released from the hospital shortly after, was formally arrested for killing two Rice family members, attempted police murder and attempted murder of Martha Rice. Mrs Rochester was released, and the Rice family was greatly shocked by the secret aspects that dominated their neighbours’ lives and were preparing to move.
“Jude?”
“Uh-huh?”
“Nothing really happened, right?”
In his spare time, Jude, who was sitting at his desk in the police station, working on spinning his pen three times in a row, looked back at his partner who had just been discharged. Looking at the concerned face, his sensitivities that are sometimes revealed are in full swing.
“Of course. Why?”
“No, just a little…… if you’re okay, that’s fine.”
Sorry, Tim. With a small apology in mind, Jude fiddled slightly with the letter he had in his pocket. However, if Tim with a strangely old-school side knows this fact, it is obvious that he will be troubled. He can do nothing even if he knew it, but I didn’t want to tell you about the serial killer who simply changed his impression with glasses and hair colour.
It was only after Jude received a couple more of his regular letters that the troublesome sender of the letter casts a shadow on Jude’s daily life again.
“-No.”
A middle-aged man with a slightly bald head, raised his head, questioning his ears.
“What? What did you just say, Jude?”
“I said no.”
“What do you mean no! Didn’t you hear what I said? The guys who used to rob at the convenience store ran away to Miami! I’ll buy you a plane ticket right away, so before the robbers do their job again, go over there and do a cooperative investigation!”
“No.”
“What’s wrong with you all of a sudden? Are you affected by the summer heat? Why are you suddenly like this?”
“Anyway, no. We can send another detective. I’d rather work overtime here.”
“Other detectives? Do you think there’s anyone else besides you who’s not busy right now? Tim’s gone on vacation, so you should go by yourself! Or what, what the hell’s wrong with you?”
“……I have flight phobia.”
A blue vein sprang upon the forehead of the middle-aged man. The chief, who was shaking his fists with his eyes closed, opened his eyes and shouted, and those who were watching hurriedly turned their eyes.
“You say that again?! Stop talking nonsense and get your stuff and leave!”
“It’s real! Why don’t you believe what I’m saying? I’m telling you about my life’s weakness, but you’re only being so cold-hearted? Sir, don’t do this. I’m not kidding. I really don’t like high places! You know, I feel nauseous and sick, alright? What if all of a sudden I’m shaking and I want to break the window and go out! Think about it, Chief. What of the public opinion if the New York police threw up on the plane?”
“Yes, you said it right. What if there’s a newspaper article saying that the New York police didn’t send detectives and that the criminals were more active? Huh? How could you put that in the same line as throwing up on a plane? Do you understand? If you did, pack your bags right away!”
“Please, sir, what? Don’t you feel sorry for the detective who’s been running around so hard? I’d rather do other people’s work, I flew once seven years ago and almost came to the end of my life!”
“Hee, sorry for what? Have you seen the end of your life? That’s a good experience, see it again. You saw it seven years ago, so you might not see it this time.”
“Chieeeef-”
“Not cute! Go!”
* * *
“Ah – I really don’t want to go-ooo-.”
Reciting complaints about 37 times each to the Chief with a bald head and his partner on vacation, Jude carried a brief containing a case file and a bag of everyday items. There are large billboards where departures and arrivals displayed constantly, airport speakers with friendly voices, and people who are busy carrying suitcases. Even though it was evening time, the machine-smelling airport was still busy. Jude, who was looking at the scene with despair-I’m really at the airport right now!- moved his feet with a long sigh.
Passing the ticket to a female employee standing near the boarding gate, Jude let out another long sigh. His shoulders drooped by themselves. I wasn’t this nervous when I took the police exam.
“-Welcome…..Are you feeling uncomfortable?”
“Yes, but I can’t go back, so you don’t have to worry.”
Tim, I'll give you a hard time when you get back from your vacation. Jude, who was groaning and looking down on the floor, paused and hesitated at the door of the plane for the last time. Is this really okay? He tilted his head with a smile on his face, and after receiving the eyes of the people behind him, he headed forward with a sigh full of self-pity. He was not happy with the blue seats spreading out, leaving only the aisle.
G1, G2, G3…….. G14, G16, G18……..
G19.
It was a window seat. If the kid sitting next to me whines to open the window to look outside, I’ll show him my police badge. The plane hasn’t even flown yet, but the ground seemed to be shaking already. Sitting down, Jude lowered the window cover first.
The second hand sound of the watch, which was loosely wrapped around his wrist, sounded strangely in his ears. As he was leaning his head against his seat with his eyes closed and arms crossed, he could feel someone sitting next to him. Fortunately, he didn't think it was a child when he heard a quiet squeak. Yeah, he thought it was a relief.
Until he heard that quiet voice.
“Are you sleeping?”
From the hastily turned head, there must have been a windy sound.
“………ah.”
“Long time no see.”
This boring calm smile, and the silent voice ringing in his ears. Jude, who was stunned at the face that made his mind blank at the same time, turned his head and rubbed his hair into a mess. A groan of murmurs came out.
“……I should have gotten a doctor’s opinion. How anxious should I be if there's something wrong………”
“It’s useless. What a pity.”
“So you want me to take this as a reality now? No way, it’s crazy, crazy.”
"Why, can't I get on the plane?"
When he heard the smiley voice again, Jude opened his closed eyes and spat it out violently into the face of the person who told him that all of the world’s common sense was missing.
“Does that make sense? Anyway, get off, and I’ll cuff you.”
The young man, whose pale blue-grey eyes were covered with blue lenses, smiled innocently and politely.
“-Do you think I’ll get off?”
“Do you think you’ll be able to resist getting off if I tell the security guard?”
“Will the security guard believe you?”
“How could they not believe me if I showed them my police badge? Come on, get off quickly.”
“Do you have a police badge?”
Jude's face, with his hand in his pocket while saying “Of course…”, crumpled without mercy the next moment. In the cluttered pocket with the house keys and receipts, he couldn't reach the familiar touch. Alvin giggled quietly.
“....when did you take it out?”
“As soon as I see it. I’ll give it to you later.”
“You don’t think I can arrest you without having a police badge? Don’t you know your face is all over the country?”
“That’s why I’m wearing lenses, glasses, and dye my hair. People shudder at the killer’s story, but they don’t always have the idea that such a person will hang around them. You know, I’m totally insensitive about that. Few people believe that people around them are full of intent to attack them except the mentally ill. That’s why Mrs. Rice was able to accept me working.”
“…… oh, go ahead.”
"And if I call security now, I can make him think you’re more dangerous than I am. Would you like to experiment? It’s a small skill, but it’s surprisingly useful. How do you think the guards managed to get me out alone when I broke out of prison?"
His voice was mellow. Jude, who was looking at Alvin with a lump in his throat, soon turned his head with a small tingling sound. Every single cell of his body was filled with irritation. His eyebrows narrowed by themselves.
“What’s wrong?”
“………never mind.”
At this time, there was an in-flight broadcast that said it was about to depart. An insincere voice wishing for a pleasant flight, the terrible content of taking off soon, and the uncomfortable instruction to wear a seat belt. When Jude reluctantly held his seat belt in his hand, his fingertips trembled like a drug addict somehow. The belt kept going off the track, making a clinking sound. The sudden agitation in his nerve made him craves a cigarette.
When he clicked his tongue, suddenly a pale white hand grabbed the belt instead of Jude. Click. Jude crouched unconsciously in the seat belt that was fastened so easily. He touched the belt once and sighed as he leaned back.
“Detective…”
“Why.”
"Are you afraid of flying?"
“If I say no, will you believe me?”
It’s not the worst yet when you can say it’s the worst, but for Jude, it wasn’t considered to be anything more than the worst. They’re “on the plane,” and there’s “the guy” next to him, and he knows “the fact.”
When the heavy body of the plane began to move for takeoff, Jude breathed in and held on to his armrest tightly.
“…………If I ask them to get off now, won’t they drop me off…….. It was the wrong choice as expected….. what would happen if I begged them to get off…… no, first, to the chief…”
Muttering like a weak seizure, another hand climbed over the hand that held the armrest so hard that the white joint stood out and held it lightly. Jude gave a small laugh.
“…… I’m more nervous.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not OK…..!”
Guuuuuuu! As soon as he felt the acceleration just before takeoff, Jude snapped Alvin’s hand that held on his hand. Screaming “Fuck!”, at the speed of light, the dark blond detective regretted his actions to the bone. It’s been 7 years, so maybe I won’t see death this time? Now it’s more vivid! Jude, who was gritting his teeth, closed his eyes when the aeroplane began to rise. With his left hand on the armrest, he clenched his hand on a slender and solid hand as if to crush it, and at that moment another hand reached out and patted his shoulders.
“It’s all right.”
“…….Urgh……. not okay……..”
“It’s okay. It doesn’t fall off or anything.”
“………I feel queasy……”
“There’s a bag, so go ahead. Breathe first. It’s okay.”
He wanted to vomit from the gentle patting on his back, but he doesn’t know what will happen if he does that. Jude managed to control his stomach and exhale slowly. The short, barely exhaled breath, only became a little more comfortable when the plane stopped rising altitude and began to go on a steady track. As he leaned against the chair and breathed a long sigh, he could hear Alvin’s grinning voice.
“Dear Detective, my hand hurts.”
Only then did he realize that he was holding Alvin’s hand tightly and let it go, and he could see that the stewardess coming out over there turned a strange look away. “I think they’ve misunderstood something,” said Alvin, with a low laugh.
“I didn’t know you’d have something like this.”
“I didn’t know until I got on the plane.”
“Oh, window, window!”
Suddenly, a child snapped in beside Jude, who was complaining in an excited voice. It was an 11-year-old boy sitting next to Alvin, who stunned Jude by lifting the window cover that Jude had put down tightly. As he turned his head in such a hurry that his neck almost cracked, Alvin’s sweet-sounding- voice rang.
“I closed it because I’m tired and sleeping, so could you close it again? That’s how you’re a good kid.”
“Wow, that’s mean!”
In a childish voice, Alvin’s eyes narrowed and laughed. Jude, who looked at the smile with a little expressionless face, tapped the child on the back in an insincere manner.
“Now, go back, go back. Where’s your mother?”
As he tried to return the child, whose mouth was pouting, to his seat, a voice that started to become husky came from the very back seat.
“Hey, El! If you make trouble, I’ll tell mom.”
What soon came into sight was a young man with dark brown hair. He was athletic, big, and quite muscular, but he still had a boyish look on his face. Maybe he’s the child’s older brother, the child soon returned to his seat in a sullen mood. Following his brother, he bowed politely.
“Sorry, my brother is still young.”
“No, it’s okay…… I'm going to the bathroom.”
Jude, who answered with a slightly blue face, stood up with a pounding head. Ignoring the children’s voices – “Come on, El, play with your brother. Do you want to play circus?” “Uh-huh! I want to, want to!”- as he walked out of the hallway, Alvin grabbed his arm as if to ask him if he'd be okay, but he pulled it dryly and headed for the bathroom. He struggled not to see the scenery seen by the surrounding windows – the clouds that spread out under the dark night sky.
When asked by the stewardess, “Are you okay?” who was surprised by his pale complexion, “I’m okay. It’s fine”. Jude barely managed to answer and get to the bathroom and went inside. The peculiar smell of the plane’s toilet stimulated his stomach. Even if he wanted to vomit, the tickling didn’t come out of his throat. Jude only turned on the water on the sink to wet his face and shook his head with a long sigh. It felt as if his intestines were struggling to get out of his body all at once.
Rattling! Maybe it met some goddamn turbulence, the plane tilted once. At that moment, Jude flopped down on the floor, and curled up, with his hand wrapped around his head. His body trembled at will.
How long has it been since I was this scared?
Why am I here?
Please let me down! I’m suffocating to death!
Why am I so afraid of flight.
Help me. Superman. Powerpuff Girl if not.
The rooftop of the skyscraper is fine for me.
Did something happen when I was a kid?
Do I know? I don’t even remember.
The aeroplane toilet is too narrow.
Damn it, my legs aren’t working.
“………friggin’………..”
Countless thoughts went through his head. When he bit his lips to control the heart thumping in his chest, a soft echo was delivered from the other side of the door he was leaning on.
“There’s someone.”
When he answered in a slightly cracked voice, a low voice leaked through the door.
“It’s me, open the door.”
“Is it urgent? Go somewhere else.”
"I'm here because I'm worried, open the door. It was shaking earlier, are you all right?”
At the moment, he got irritated. He hasn’t screamed and yelled since childhood even when his memory is blurry, but an unstoppable curtness burst out of his throat.
“So noisy! What are you worried about, you think I don’t know you? Are you enjoying this situation? I don't enjoy it at all, shut up and go sit down, I don't need it!"
There was no answer. Jude was, in rare cases, really 'unstable'. Fear, anger and Alvin’s voice blends them like a water balloon that would pop if poked with a needle. It wasn’t that he didn’t think he would be killed by that guy outside the door as soon as he got off the plane, but he couldn’t afford to think deeply about it.
While grinding his teeth to pull himself together, he got up and barely sat on the lid of the toilet, and the bathroom door clicked. Looking suspiciously at the doorknob, it soon returned to the 'open' sign with a slight metallic noise. As he stared blankly, the door opened and a neat shirt-clad man came in.
“.....hey, we’re really misunderstood by flight attendants.”
“Are you having fun?”
On Alvin’s face, the smile was drastically gone. Jude looked at the face unfamiliarly, and Alvin took a step from the narrow bathroom and approached Jude.
“Yes, it’s fun. I’ve never seen you unwind like this. It’s the first time you’ve ever been so angry.”
“……do you like me to be angry? Are you a pervert?”
“How many times have you been so angry, as far as you can remember?”
“Do you ever remember getting angry?”
“Don’t ask questions. You can just tell me what comes to your mind."
“Oh, yeah. It’s the 461st. All right.”
With a I-can’t-help-it like smile, Alvin laid his hand slightly on Jude’s shoulder. And as soon as he tried to strike his hand dryly, the plane again teetered and Jude swallowed the scream and squeezed the hand he was trying to strike. Dup-Dup-Dup, the heartbeat, which had barely calmed down, pounded like a small drum. As he bites his lips tightly to ease the shock, a cool hand pulled his head lightly. The smooth texture of the shirt touched his tense cheek.
“Why did you get so scared? The flight.”
“……I, I don’t know…”
“Do you have any bad memories?”
“I told you I don't know.”
When the prickly voice snapped, Alvin’s soft voice rang right above his head.
“Detective, don’t you remember when you were a kid?”
“What about that.”
“When I ask if you remember or not, you usually say yes or no. If you say ‘I don’t know,’ it means you don’t remember something not that you don’t know, right?”
“I don’t remember, so I don’t know. Do you think phobia needs a good reason? I don’t know because I don’t have any particular memories about that.”
“It must be painful.”
“Don’t talk to me as if you understand it. You don’t care if other people suffer or not. Don't talk to me like you're talking about something good, I'm not up to playing with that kind of joke right now."
Despite his irritating tone, Alvin giggled and smoothed Jude's hair. It was as if he was touching a marble sculpture in a museum.
“The encounter this time is unplanned, but I’m glad I got on this plane. I can’t believe I’ve heard so much from you detective. But don’t get me wrong, it bothers me that you're in pain."
“How come–“
“-Don’t ask me. I can't figure out everything. I’m also a human being, just a little different. After all, we can't get out of the big picture of our species. The thing that's bothering me is… well, because I'm lonely when I'm alone?"
“....do you have a fear of flying, too? You’re talking crazy all of a sudden.”
“Oh, it was like that at first, but sometimes I’m really apathetic, Detective. It’s natural to be lonely when you’re alone, right? Drawing the appearance of a home that they will return to without even realizing it is what people usually do. And, rare enough, at the same time - the appearance of such a home become my biggest stimulus. Because it is unfamiliar, something I could never feel, something I couldn’t taste even in my family, whom others said was harmonious. It's a sense of belonging, a sense of unity. It’s you detective who gave off the sign of all those things. For me, it’s the best stimulation and safe haven.”
“Why, are you going to say that I’m similar to you again?”
“Well, if you were exactly like me, I wouldn’t have had any reason to be interested. It’s similar, but you’ve got something else. You have more barren parts of yourself than others, but you try to hide it with a fertile soil layer. You wanted to cover it up to appear stronger than others…… but it won’t be perfect. Detective, isn’t your partner surprised sometimes? You have seen so much gruesome death, how can you be so calm?”
“Tim is squeamish, he’s not strong. How can you compare my innocent Tim to this mature member of society?”
Alvin said, “Oh, you’re relaxed now. Will we have to meet turbulence once more for you to be honest again?”- laughing in a low voice, someone knocked on the bathroom door with a slightly faster tempo. An angry voice struck his ears.
Reciting complaints about 37 times each to the Chief with a bald head and his partner on vacation, Jude carried a brief containing a case file and a bag of everyday items. There are large billboards where departures and arrivals displayed constantly, airport speakers with friendly voices, and people who are busy carrying suitcases. Even though it was evening time, the machine-smelling airport was still busy. Jude, who was looking at the scene with despair-I’m really at the airport right now!- moved his feet with a long sigh.
Passing the ticket to a female employee standing near the boarding gate, Jude let out another long sigh. His shoulders drooped by themselves. I wasn’t this nervous when I took the police exam.
“-Welcome…..Are you feeling uncomfortable?”
“Yes, but I can’t go back, so you don’t have to worry.”
Tim, I'll give you a hard time when you get back from your vacation. Jude, who was groaning and looking down on the floor, paused and hesitated at the door of the plane for the last time. Is this really okay? He tilted his head with a smile on his face, and after receiving the eyes of the people behind him, he headed forward with a sigh full of self-pity. He was not happy with the blue seats spreading out, leaving only the aisle.
G1, G2, G3…….. G14, G16, G18……..
G19.
It was a window seat. If the kid sitting next to me whines to open the window to look outside, I’ll show him my police badge. The plane hasn’t even flown yet, but the ground seemed to be shaking already. Sitting down, Jude lowered the window cover first.
The second hand sound of the watch, which was loosely wrapped around his wrist, sounded strangely in his ears. As he was leaning his head against his seat with his eyes closed and arms crossed, he could feel someone sitting next to him. Fortunately, he didn't think it was a child when he heard a quiet squeak. Yeah, he thought it was a relief.
Until he heard that quiet voice.
“Are you sleeping?”
From the hastily turned head, there must have been a windy sound.
“………ah.”
“Long time no see.”
This boring calm smile, and the silent voice ringing in his ears. Jude, who was stunned at the face that made his mind blank at the same time, turned his head and rubbed his hair into a mess. A groan of murmurs came out.
“……I should have gotten a doctor’s opinion. How anxious should I be if there's something wrong………”
“It’s useless. What a pity.”
“So you want me to take this as a reality now? No way, it’s crazy, crazy.”
"Why, can't I get on the plane?"
When he heard the smiley voice again, Jude opened his closed eyes and spat it out violently into the face of the person who told him that all of the world’s common sense was missing.
“Does that make sense? Anyway, get off, and I’ll cuff you.”
The young man, whose pale blue-grey eyes were covered with blue lenses, smiled innocently and politely.
“-Do you think I’ll get off?”
“Do you think you’ll be able to resist getting off if I tell the security guard?”
“Will the security guard believe you?”
“How could they not believe me if I showed them my police badge? Come on, get off quickly.”
“Do you have a police badge?”
Jude's face, with his hand in his pocket while saying “Of course…”, crumpled without mercy the next moment. In the cluttered pocket with the house keys and receipts, he couldn't reach the familiar touch. Alvin giggled quietly.
“....when did you take it out?”
“As soon as I see it. I’ll give it to you later.”
“You don’t think I can arrest you without having a police badge? Don’t you know your face is all over the country?”
“That’s why I’m wearing lenses, glasses, and dye my hair. People shudder at the killer’s story, but they don’t always have the idea that such a person will hang around them. You know, I’m totally insensitive about that. Few people believe that people around them are full of intent to attack them except the mentally ill. That’s why Mrs. Rice was able to accept me working.”
“…… oh, go ahead.”
"And if I call security now, I can make him think you’re more dangerous than I am. Would you like to experiment? It’s a small skill, but it’s surprisingly useful. How do you think the guards managed to get me out alone when I broke out of prison?"
His voice was mellow. Jude, who was looking at Alvin with a lump in his throat, soon turned his head with a small tingling sound. Every single cell of his body was filled with irritation. His eyebrows narrowed by themselves.
“What’s wrong?”
“………never mind.”
At this time, there was an in-flight broadcast that said it was about to depart. An insincere voice wishing for a pleasant flight, the terrible content of taking off soon, and the uncomfortable instruction to wear a seat belt. When Jude reluctantly held his seat belt in his hand, his fingertips trembled like a drug addict somehow. The belt kept going off the track, making a clinking sound. The sudden agitation in his nerve made him craves a cigarette.
When he clicked his tongue, suddenly a pale white hand grabbed the belt instead of Jude. Click. Jude crouched unconsciously in the seat belt that was fastened so easily. He touched the belt once and sighed as he leaned back.
“Detective…”
“Why.”
"Are you afraid of flying?"
“If I say no, will you believe me?”
It’s not the worst yet when you can say it’s the worst, but for Jude, it wasn’t considered to be anything more than the worst. They’re “on the plane,” and there’s “the guy” next to him, and he knows “the fact.”
When the heavy body of the plane began to move for takeoff, Jude breathed in and held on to his armrest tightly.
“…………If I ask them to get off now, won’t they drop me off…….. It was the wrong choice as expected….. what would happen if I begged them to get off…… no, first, to the chief…”
Muttering like a weak seizure, another hand climbed over the hand that held the armrest so hard that the white joint stood out and held it lightly. Jude gave a small laugh.
“…… I’m more nervous.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not OK…..!”
Guuuuuuu! As soon as he felt the acceleration just before takeoff, Jude snapped Alvin’s hand that held on his hand. Screaming “Fuck!”, at the speed of light, the dark blond detective regretted his actions to the bone. It’s been 7 years, so maybe I won’t see death this time? Now it’s more vivid! Jude, who was gritting his teeth, closed his eyes when the aeroplane began to rise. With his left hand on the armrest, he clenched his hand on a slender and solid hand as if to crush it, and at that moment another hand reached out and patted his shoulders.
“It’s all right.”
“…….Urgh……. not okay……..”
“It’s okay. It doesn’t fall off or anything.”
“………I feel queasy……”
“There’s a bag, so go ahead. Breathe first. It’s okay.”
He wanted to vomit from the gentle patting on his back, but he doesn’t know what will happen if he does that. Jude managed to control his stomach and exhale slowly. The short, barely exhaled breath, only became a little more comfortable when the plane stopped rising altitude and began to go on a steady track. As he leaned against the chair and breathed a long sigh, he could hear Alvin’s grinning voice.
“Dear Detective, my hand hurts.”
Only then did he realize that he was holding Alvin’s hand tightly and let it go, and he could see that the stewardess coming out over there turned a strange look away. “I think they’ve misunderstood something,” said Alvin, with a low laugh.
“I didn’t know you’d have something like this.”
“I didn’t know until I got on the plane.”
“Oh, window, window!”
Suddenly, a child snapped in beside Jude, who was complaining in an excited voice. It was an 11-year-old boy sitting next to Alvin, who stunned Jude by lifting the window cover that Jude had put down tightly. As he turned his head in such a hurry that his neck almost cracked, Alvin’s sweet-sounding- voice rang.
“I closed it because I’m tired and sleeping, so could you close it again? That’s how you’re a good kid.”
“Wow, that’s mean!”
In a childish voice, Alvin’s eyes narrowed and laughed. Jude, who looked at the smile with a little expressionless face, tapped the child on the back in an insincere manner.
“Now, go back, go back. Where’s your mother?”
As he tried to return the child, whose mouth was pouting, to his seat, a voice that started to become husky came from the very back seat.
“Hey, El! If you make trouble, I’ll tell mom.”
What soon came into sight was a young man with dark brown hair. He was athletic, big, and quite muscular, but he still had a boyish look on his face. Maybe he’s the child’s older brother, the child soon returned to his seat in a sullen mood. Following his brother, he bowed politely.
“Sorry, my brother is still young.”
“No, it’s okay…… I'm going to the bathroom.”
Jude, who answered with a slightly blue face, stood up with a pounding head. Ignoring the children’s voices – “Come on, El, play with your brother. Do you want to play circus?” “Uh-huh! I want to, want to!”- as he walked out of the hallway, Alvin grabbed his arm as if to ask him if he'd be okay, but he pulled it dryly and headed for the bathroom. He struggled not to see the scenery seen by the surrounding windows – the clouds that spread out under the dark night sky.
When asked by the stewardess, “Are you okay?” who was surprised by his pale complexion, “I’m okay. It’s fine”. Jude barely managed to answer and get to the bathroom and went inside. The peculiar smell of the plane’s toilet stimulated his stomach. Even if he wanted to vomit, the tickling didn’t come out of his throat. Jude only turned on the water on the sink to wet his face and shook his head with a long sigh. It felt as if his intestines were struggling to get out of his body all at once.
Rattling! Maybe it met some goddamn turbulence, the plane tilted once. At that moment, Jude flopped down on the floor, and curled up, with his hand wrapped around his head. His body trembled at will.
How long has it been since I was this scared?
Why am I here?
Please let me down! I’m suffocating to death!
Why am I so afraid of flight.
Help me. Superman. Powerpuff Girl if not.
The rooftop of the skyscraper is fine for me.
Did something happen when I was a kid?
Do I know? I don’t even remember.
The aeroplane toilet is too narrow.
Damn it, my legs aren’t working.
“………friggin’………..”
Countless thoughts went through his head. When he bit his lips to control the heart thumping in his chest, a soft echo was delivered from the other side of the door he was leaning on.
“There’s someone.”
When he answered in a slightly cracked voice, a low voice leaked through the door.
“It’s me, open the door.”
“Is it urgent? Go somewhere else.”
"I'm here because I'm worried, open the door. It was shaking earlier, are you all right?”
At the moment, he got irritated. He hasn’t screamed and yelled since childhood even when his memory is blurry, but an unstoppable curtness burst out of his throat.
“So noisy! What are you worried about, you think I don’t know you? Are you enjoying this situation? I don't enjoy it at all, shut up and go sit down, I don't need it!"
There was no answer. Jude was, in rare cases, really 'unstable'. Fear, anger and Alvin’s voice blends them like a water balloon that would pop if poked with a needle. It wasn’t that he didn’t think he would be killed by that guy outside the door as soon as he got off the plane, but he couldn’t afford to think deeply about it.
While grinding his teeth to pull himself together, he got up and barely sat on the lid of the toilet, and the bathroom door clicked. Looking suspiciously at the doorknob, it soon returned to the 'open' sign with a slight metallic noise. As he stared blankly, the door opened and a neat shirt-clad man came in.
“.....hey, we’re really misunderstood by flight attendants.”
“Are you having fun?”
On Alvin’s face, the smile was drastically gone. Jude looked at the face unfamiliarly, and Alvin took a step from the narrow bathroom and approached Jude.
“Yes, it’s fun. I’ve never seen you unwind like this. It’s the first time you’ve ever been so angry.”
“……do you like me to be angry? Are you a pervert?”
“How many times have you been so angry, as far as you can remember?”
“Do you ever remember getting angry?”
“Don’t ask questions. You can just tell me what comes to your mind."
“Oh, yeah. It’s the 461st. All right.”
With a I-can’t-help-it like smile, Alvin laid his hand slightly on Jude’s shoulder. And as soon as he tried to strike his hand dryly, the plane again teetered and Jude swallowed the scream and squeezed the hand he was trying to strike. Dup-Dup-Dup, the heartbeat, which had barely calmed down, pounded like a small drum. As he bites his lips tightly to ease the shock, a cool hand pulled his head lightly. The smooth texture of the shirt touched his tense cheek.
“Why did you get so scared? The flight.”
“……I, I don’t know…”
“Do you have any bad memories?”
“I told you I don't know.”
When the prickly voice snapped, Alvin’s soft voice rang right above his head.
“Detective, don’t you remember when you were a kid?”
“What about that.”
“When I ask if you remember or not, you usually say yes or no. If you say ‘I don’t know,’ it means you don’t remember something not that you don’t know, right?”
“I don’t remember, so I don’t know. Do you think phobia needs a good reason? I don’t know because I don’t have any particular memories about that.”
“It must be painful.”
“Don’t talk to me as if you understand it. You don’t care if other people suffer or not. Don't talk to me like you're talking about something good, I'm not up to playing with that kind of joke right now."
Despite his irritating tone, Alvin giggled and smoothed Jude's hair. It was as if he was touching a marble sculpture in a museum.
“The encounter this time is unplanned, but I’m glad I got on this plane. I can’t believe I’ve heard so much from you detective. But don’t get me wrong, it bothers me that you're in pain."
“How come–“
“-Don’t ask me. I can't figure out everything. I’m also a human being, just a little different. After all, we can't get out of the big picture of our species. The thing that's bothering me is… well, because I'm lonely when I'm alone?"
“....do you have a fear of flying, too? You’re talking crazy all of a sudden.”
“Oh, it was like that at first, but sometimes I’m really apathetic, Detective. It’s natural to be lonely when you’re alone, right? Drawing the appearance of a home that they will return to without even realizing it is what people usually do. And, rare enough, at the same time - the appearance of such a home become my biggest stimulus. Because it is unfamiliar, something I could never feel, something I couldn’t taste even in my family, whom others said was harmonious. It's a sense of belonging, a sense of unity. It’s you detective who gave off the sign of all those things. For me, it’s the best stimulation and safe haven.”
“Why, are you going to say that I’m similar to you again?”
“Well, if you were exactly like me, I wouldn’t have had any reason to be interested. It’s similar, but you’ve got something else. You have more barren parts of yourself than others, but you try to hide it with a fertile soil layer. You wanted to cover it up to appear stronger than others…… but it won’t be perfect. Detective, isn’t your partner surprised sometimes? You have seen so much gruesome death, how can you be so calm?”
“Tim is squeamish, he’s not strong. How can you compare my innocent Tim to this mature member of society?”
Alvin said, “Oh, you’re relaxed now. Will we have to meet turbulence once more for you to be honest again?”- laughing in a low voice, someone knocked on the bathroom door with a slightly faster tempo. An angry voice struck his ears.
So sweet 💗! And a little strange I have to say.
ReplyDelete