BBDW 71 [Black Butterfly] - Nevereverland

Section 81, 82, 83 & 84 (UNEDITED)

So, I’m sure many of you aren’t aware but throughout this novel, the author left out a lot of pronouns because Korean speakers usually drop the pronouns whenever they can if both parties who are talking know what they’re talking about. Imagine me as a noob trying to translate sentences without pronoun but I still have to figure out who’s talking about whom/what all this time. In Korean, the sentences without pronouns are complete but translating those exact sentences without pronoun/subject in English is simply weird….. so I decided not to fill in the blank for you this time although I know who (because I’ve read everything) and I think the author did it on purpose. So, the *** is actually the pronoun that I left out intentionally. Korean depends a lot on context and gestures, meaning you have to read between the lines to understand. Okay you can start reading now. This one is in Joshua’s POV.

[Oh, mister, you're not from here, are you? What are you doing here?]

Joshua plucked up his courage and opened his mouth. The blond man, who was leaning against the cold, dirty grey wall taking a stifling breath, jerked up and looked at the boy. Struggling to cover himself with both hands, he seemed to have been beaten hard somewhere. Joshua swallowed dry saliva and stared at him face to face. Through the messy bangs, the green eyes smiled brightly.

[Looking for friends. I want to see *** again.]

[Here... do you have friends?]

[Yeah, but not really right now. Because *** died.]

[Died? Why?]

That was weird. I don't feel like I'm talking to an adult. The presence of the man in front of Joshua was an adult, but strangely, however, he had a child's expression. The smile disappeared from the blond man's face. An abrupt sound popped out of his mouth, as he turned away from Joshua like a sulky boy.

[I killed ***.]

[......what? You killed ***? Why did you kill ***?]

[I wasn't the only one who killed ***. It's complicated. I didn't want to kill ***. I feel like I'm going to die. But……I couldn't help it, I couldn't help it. Because I wanted to live.]

He murmured in a poignant tone. There were bloodstains on his sleeves as he threw away the steel pipe he was holding. Is this guy crazy? Narrowing his eyebrows, Joshua asked again.

[But... Why did you come here? You said you couldn't see ***.]

[I just miss ***. There are no people around to make friends, and I'm a little sorry for ***. So I came to the place where we used to hang out.]

Twisting his hair with his fingertips, he hummed in a dull tone. What a weirdo.

[Hey, what's your name?]

[Me? I'm Hender. Why is that? Are you going to play instead of my friends?]

That was a very childlike tone. He seemed a little out of his mind, but he didn't feel much malice from him, and Joshua agonized for a moment. Until he heard Marilyn’s shrill voice from inside the house. It was the sound of finding Joshua who disappeared. Joshua, who was frightened, turned his foot in a hurry. Before running into the den-like house, the boy turned his head and looked back at him, who was still standing. He was about to say goodbye, but the other opened his mouth first. Some words of request flowed out.

But the meaning of the words was unknown, so Joshua just nodded and went into the house. His mother's voice was more important than the words of an unknown man.

*        *        *

The Chief was a little surprised.

He didn't pay much attention until a particularly distressed detective among his men approached him. He's got his hands full, and he didn't have time or mental composure to take care of each of those things. But when he found his face as white as a whiteboard, the Chief stopped looking at the documents he had been holding and was forced to spit out loud.

"Hey, what, Jude, what's wrong? Are you sick?"

"Yes…..sir, can I leave early?"

His voice was blank, too. The Chief nodded in a hurry. A lot was going on these days, so he was hit by work here and there, and he seemed like he's really lost a screw. No matter how carefree you are, there is a limit to a person's physical strength. It's different from a machine. Once you screw up your health, it's hard to turn it around. Jude greeted with a nod and staggered away.

-Should I have given him a vacation earlier? Should he take a leave of absence from tomorrow? Unlike his stark appearance, the soft-hearted Chief squinted at his back anxiously.

*        *        *

Bang. The door closed helplessly. Standing like a statue on the porch for a moment, Jude ran to the bathroom without taking off his jacket as soon as he locked the door. Jude, who knelt down in front of the toilet and leaned down, burst out a loud retch. Something as white and intense as a flash of lightning flashed across his head as his vain nausea didn't even produce vomit since he hadn't eaten properly.  

-Hender, I'm sorry, but I can't keep you here anymore.  

-Hender, make sure you fasten your seat belt.

-Hender, lower your body!

-Hender...Hen, der...

The voice of a woman, the eyes that were fading, the strange sound of bones breaking, the sound of people screaming and running out in unison, and a small hand being grabbed as he watched the scene. The smell of cold machinery, the body of a woman who was trampled and crushed. The moment he felt desperate to pull himself out of the scene, something different chaotically gets to his ears.

-Hender Hill, what are you doing not listening?

-Let's get out of here, Hender. We're going somewhere else.

-Yes, Hender. I'm sure there's a better place than this f*cking orphanage.

-Hender? Who’s going to care about your name? Ugh, just get to work. How much did you get today?

The voice of a middle-aged woman who had never been warm, the voices of young children that he’s heard all along until recently and the thick voice of a man heard for the first time. Suddenly so many pieces were spilt all at once. Through the gap, voices heard in the hospital and orphanage cut in and stuck like glue.

-This is our own world, Hender. At least at this moment.

-Don't just sit back and watch, Hender! Stop him!

-Shut up. Hender, do something about her.

-No, Hender! Kkyaaaak!

A string of name attracted a gale like a magnet. Hender, Hender Hill. A scream-like sound burst out of Jude's mouth. His head seemed to melt in all directions like a lump of sugar in hot water.

-You... how could you… how could you do this to me?

A voice filled with resentment flew in. It feels like he was stabbing a knife in the middle of his own chest. The moment the burning eyes of hatred and resentment came to one side of his mind, Jude couldn't stand it and fell to the floor. An intermittent gasp burst out of his throat. The shortness of breath seemed unlikely to subside. As soon as he lay down on the spot, something trickles down from his temple. As he turned a wobbly look away, he could see a little bug crawling over his sprawling fingertips on the floor.

*        *        *

He couldn't tell how long it had been since he stared blankly at the ceiling. A black-backed bug circling over his fingertips was climbing up the wall in that corner.

When his cell phone cried in his pocket, Jude mechanically searched through his clothes. Of course, the caller is Tim. Unlike his face without any facial expression, surprisingly his typical voice came out despite himself.

"Uh, Tim. Why?"

[What do you mean why, I heard you left early? The Chief said your face was a mess. Are you all right?]

"I’m not that good, actually. I’m feverish and my body hurts all over; I'll get better if I get some rest."

[Have you been to the hospital?]

"Yeah, well, it's nothing to worry about."

[Is there anything you need? Do you want me to get it?]

"All right, Tim. Mommy’s son is already in his late 20s. I'll take care of it, so don't worry. It’s going to spread all over the house, so don't come."

Even though he’s spitting jokes, nothing really showed on his face. This was a natural answer as Jude Green. To a fellow detective, and his best partner. And Jude didn't want to lose it yet. A stable position to live with, in a languid and somewhat idle cognizance. Tim threw a few more words of concern and ended the call. Hearing the bustling noise in the background, he seemed very busy.

Flop, with his hands down, holding his cell phone, Jude looked at the ceiling with his eyes wide open, almost breathless. No, he wasn't looking; he was just lying face to face. His body was being swept away in the waves. He was sinking. Into an ominous colour obscure from Jude. His stomach, which he just threw up, is starting to feel nauseous again.

Woowoo. The phone cried again in his hand. Jude, who was lying down like a shell, soon moved his arm slowly. His voice that came out wasn't much different than it was just now.

"Yes."

[Jude, it's me.]

"Ah...yeah."

[What happened?]

His voice quickly asked in no time. It was not known whether he heard from someone planted in the police station or sensed something in Jude's voice. Instead of answering, Jude raised his other hand and pressed against his hot eyes. He’s been having a splitting headache.

[Jude, are you listening?]

"...Uk...."

[Jude? Jude, are you all right?]

A voice so smooth that he could not tell whether he was actually unsettled or not, quietly urged him to answer. After a long time, Jude gave out a long sigh.

"My head...... hurts."

[Simple headache? Or?]

"Nervous……I’m nervous…..it’s weird, strangely enough……I don't know what's going on, I don't know. Now..."

Now, Jude swallowed his words for a moment. The voice over the phone was still waiting.

"Now... I feel like I'm standing at the end. No more... I can't, I don't think I can stop it."

[Your old memories?]

"But, uh... but, but, but… it's strange. It doesn’t come to mind as something gentle. It's coming up biting me and scratching me. Thoroughly like a dog…."

Jude swallowed his words. It was happening again. And he didn’t know why, he was stammering out the fact to the pale blue-grey-eyed young man, not his closest partner. No, no. It was because I couldn't keep it from overflowing. Stop talking. You have to stop talking. If I cover it up without telling him, it will only rot away. It just festers into a strange shape if you say it! His brows frowned to the fullest and trembled anxiously. Alvin's voice intervened in the midst of a fierce battle with himself.

[Now, shall I go? I’m close by. I think I should go.]

"Don't come."

It might be his last line of defence. A distressed and hasty voice came out. The ringing voice in his ears was still calm.

[Are you home?]

"Don't come!"

The roaring voice was the most violent thing he has ever remembered. In a fit of anger; Jude closed the flip phone and threw it away. The crawling bug dodged it with surprise.

*        *        *

I can only update on weekends after this. I’m getting busier orz. It’s either Friday or Saturday or both. And I’m not sure if you need this information but this novel has a happy ending. Sort of. In case you’re insecure because of how dark this novel is.