BBDW 72 [Black Butterfly] - Nevereverland

Section 85 (UNEDITED)

The sun was setting. The sparse sunlight coming in from outside gradually faded away. The air got cold. Jude lay motionless, still on the bathroom floor. The bug that was circling in the bathroom also disappeared.

Click, click. He can hear the doorknob turning. Is Tim here? But the sound soon turned into something small whirling through the keyhole. Chalkak, at the end of the small noise, the door is open. Jude rose from his spot like a ghost. As he suddenly got up, his eyes turned white. The nausea symptom, which he thought had barely subsided, came back in. Jude shut his mouth, as he was about to make a loud retch. A light brown-haired man who appeared with small footsteps knelt down on one knee beside Jude.

"Are you okay?"

His voice was getting smaller than it was originally planned.

"...I told you… not to come."

"I've told you before; I wish I could be the one to hear you say it."

He did indeed. Alvin props up Jude from his back. At the moment, the noise that was wandering around in his head strangely faded away. Jude takes a long breath. Alvin's hands touching his forehead were a little cold.  

"You have a fever. What happened?"

"I’m not telling and you can’t do anything about it even if I tell you."

"Holding it in alone won't help."

"I don't think telling you will help any more."

"You don't know that."

No matter how you put it, it's impossible to not get hurt. Jude turned his head with a sick sigh, and the sound of meagre laughter rang quietly in his ears.

"Are you still trying to say you don't want to know?"

"The truth is.....but. The reality doesn't follow."

"What do you want me to do?"

"What if I want you to shut up and leave?"

"I have no choice but to be a disobedient child."

He really wanted to punch him in the face since he was smiling so blatantly. Jude, looking at him in disbelief, soon shook his head erratically. Maybe because he kept skipping meals, he felt dizzy again. Clenching his molars as he was holding his forehead, Alvin asked again.

"Can I help you?"

"What can you do for me?"

"Your memory, the perfect restoration of your past."

“Don’t you know that I’m like this is because I don’t want to do that?”

"But it's not something that can be avoided forever. That's what you look like right now."

Without a hint of sarcasm, his voice was petrifyingly calm. Jude briefly turned his eyes away with a flick of his tongue.

"I….to you. I'm not sure yet if I can tell you everything."  

"Is there anyone else who you can tell? Your brown-haired sweetheart would definitely drag you to the hospital as soon as he heard everything."

The calm voice was a fatal blow. A low sound flowed from Jude's mouth.

"......bad guy."

"If you want, tell me what you want me to do. I know that coercion won't work on you. You won't change even if I tie you up and break you down slowly, as I did with everyone else. And that's not how it works to get inside of you."  

"......sounds like you’re going to do it that way, you bastard...... well, I've never been in a situation like that before, so I can't say for sure now."

"In fact, I'm very curious. What on earth you've done in the past. What kind of things did you go through that this kind of person came about. But I'm holding it in, until you ask me for help. Because I want to face that surprise with you."

"It's a surprise to me, but it's fun to you. And don't you know that what you just said is the question other people have about you? ‘Why did he do that when he grow up so fine?’"

Alvin smiled faintly. The hand that stroked Jude's shoulder was cautious.

"Are you curious? What kind of childhood I had."

It was an unexpected thing to hear. Jude's eyes were wide open. Alvin's smiling face didn't change much.

"Oh, are you going to tell me? Did something really happen?"

"I admit that the word bad seed is somewhat wrong. It was a bit of an environment to say that nothing happened. Because what they see isn't everything. If I were to shift the blame on a stranger, I could do that. Like Charles Manson, I can shout out loud that it's this kind of society that made me like this. In fact, part of it might be."

"But?"

"I mean, it doesn't mean anything."

Reciting quietly, Alvin pulled Jude's head closer. Jude, who eventually put his head on Alvin's shoulder, didn't really shake him off. It was because the cool touch on his feverish head was not so bad. The voice resonates directly over his head.  

"It doesn't change that I'm like this now. I don't really regret it. It's not like I want to change. So it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter. I already know what happened in the past, and I don't feel any particular interest there. But you're different."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm a Pandora Box that you haven't opened yet. You'll open it and then use it as a kindling."

"The box is of secondary value. I think I’ve said enough about what you meant to me when we met on the last flight. Don't consciously avoid it."

Jude shut his mouth. Alvin was speaking seriously. He's almost always been a serious talker, but today his approach feels a bit different. Maybe it was because the fence was blown to the ground. And it was hard for Jude to feel any hope there. Alvin's voice continued politely and delicately.

"So tell me. What happened, what you want to do to go forward."

What happened. Jude gave a small twitch. Alvin's hand, which slightly held his shoulder, was tightened. Jude, who was leaning against Alvin with complicated eyes, slowly opened his mouth.

"...... well, one thing, look into it."

"What?"

"Hender Hill, the name. Whether there's something in the article or a web page."

"Hender Hill, okay. And?"

"And..."

Jude declined to comment for a moment. Feelings that he had never felt before were shaking deep inside his body. Fear, barely managed to pinpoint the name of the emotion, Jude shuddered briefly. Fear. Unfamiliar, and new to Jude Green. Jude sat motionless for a long time and soon opened his mouth like an illusion.

"Today......stay here."

"You want me here?"

"When I’m asleep, if I do something weird..... I was fine yesterday, so I don't know what it's like..... but if I do something weird...... tell me what it is."

His voice was a little hoarse. It was a fear that he could not control himself. Controlling himself elaborately, that was the biggest reason he could live as a Jude Green. Release the reins, pull, tighten, and riding through the waves. He was more adept at accepting the situation as plain as it was than anyone else, but it was beyond Jude's ability for something that even he himself could not recognize.

Alvin nodded calmly. There was no question of why.

"Okay, let's do that. I'll be back with my laptop, so stay here."

I'm already in my house, where else would I go. He didn't even have the energy to respond curtly. Jude rose from his position and reluctantly pulled his arm as support. Flopping down on the sofa in the living room with a slightly missed step, Jude leans back, coughing up a long breath. His head fell over the back of the sofa, which was not high. Outside his upside-down window, the setting sun dimmed in light purple. Jude shouted on Alvin's back, who was about to leave the apartment door.   

"Oh, and buy me a can of beer when you come."

His face as he turned around smiled and nodded briefly. The door closed with a not-so-loud sound.

Jude sighed again. He felt the need for the cigarette that he smokes once in a while. I don't think there was anything left; I should tell him to buy it, too. I should have. As soon as Joshua's words this afternoon came to his mind, his fingertips trembled. All he could do was barely ask him not to tell others and turn around. He couldn't even get his head together to ask anything else. It wasn't just because of the thousands of pieces of puzzles that the name Hender was pouring on top of his head. Jude was left blank by the last sentence the child said was uttered by the blond man.

-The man........ what he said at the end. Don't tell Julie. I'll do it. I didn't care because I didn't know who Julie was, and I didn't know why I shouldn't tell either…. Well, who's Julie? Mister, do you know?

Yeah, I know, my partner keeps calling me that when he's drunk. It's also the name given because of the director's taste in songs and the Beatles. Do you know what your real name is; do you want me to tell you? It's Jude, Jude. Jude Green. Doesn't it ring well? Jude was half sarcastic; he was half absent-minded and came up with a cynical answer.

-Don't tell Julie, I'll do it.

The child, who had told the whole story, turned to the ashen-faced Jude and asked, if that Hender was his twin brother. And Jude couldn't return any answers.

"But why... You had to, didn’t you? Why would I...? Why now, of all things…?"

A mumble of things that cannot be solved right now leaked out unwittingly. Sitting in the lame house with stale air, Jude was frowning silently until Alvin came back through the door with a laptop and a paper bag - probably containing a simple meal as well as beer.

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This whole section makes me want to squeal excitedly in panic. Or panic while squealing excitedly. Shipping is so hard. See ya.